i am officially unemployed, a source of mixed blessings. we have been bracing for this for some time, but like all changes it seemed to happen very fast. one day i was working, my head filled with work-stuff and office-stuff; the next day i was not. i woke up at my usual time, panicked that i had missed the alarm . . . and then i remembered, and went back to bed and slept for a luxurious 45 minutes more, much to the cats’ dismay.
i have not been unemployed for a very long time now . . . i’m not sure yet how i feel about it other than very, very tired. my job was stressful, and i think over the last couple of years i was successively losing my ability to manage that stress. the closest i can come to how i feel is that weird achey relief when you put down something heavy that you’ve been carrying for a while, that you couldn’t put down just to rest up a little, that you had to carry all the way to the end.
i am bewildered by how much time i now have.
and these expanses of empty time have made me realize how often i checked my work email from home, how my time was never quite my time. i checked it, like, compulsively; sometimes several times an hour; and always in a state of low-grade panic that i might miss something important and a project would tank because of me.
i got a little weepy when i deleted that bookmark.
so i am learning how to sleep again. i am trying to believe, to accept, that this free time is real. i am also aware that this time is a Gift, something i have longed for since i had those three months of leave all those years ago. i am here again. i have so much i want to write and do.
the first task is belief.
the second task is a Plan, and sticking to it.