TRAVERSING Z

The Queen of Lakes

and the revision begins.

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did a rough 2nd pass on “the queen of lakes” this weekend and now am stuck again, pondering the wisdom of a scene in the middle: keep it or go back to having it happen offstage? difficult to say . . .

so instead, back to this:

today

rewriting the first chapter at last.  i’ve put it off for too long. and then digging into the rest, which i think is pretty solid structurally but needs fine-tuning in terms of prose, details, nuance, foreshadowing . . . y’know, just a few things.

it’s both exciting and worrying to be at this point, because on the one hand hurrah! progress! and on the other: i still don’t know if it’s really any good, and how i feel about it becomes more see-saw-y with every pass.  i still love my story, i still love my characters, but this iteration of their tale? it’s come so far from my original conception; it’s been a loooong time since i’ve been able to see the forest for the trees.

and then there’s the fact that at this point i have to start letting go of things, for good, and that will only continue from here on out.  letting go of the imagined perfection, letting go of scenes, phrases, moments that i cherished . . . last night i thought to myself, what if i cut half that chapter? and i was so shocked at my own cold thought that i had to put it away and think about other things for a while.

i am not who i was three years ago.  i am not the writer i was three years ago.  but i am old enough to know three years is a short time to change so drastically.  it’s both encouraging and frightening.  as i suspect the remaining steps of this project will be.

and slowly returning to form

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this spring has been something of a rollercoaster.  lots of ups and downs, and then everything coming to a halt while we had family visiting.  it was a lovely visit, but a lot of work before and during; that i am sitting here now in a quiet house, with only a few appointments to meet over the next couple of days, feels positively luxurious.

all of which means it’s time to get back in the saddle again.  i have slept poorly these last few weeks; i think i can take it as a given now that i need to write every day, even if it’s just fiddling with something that’s already been written.  last night i did just that, reading over old words and tweaking stuff that might never see the light of day—in other words, easing back into it all.  and i slept well for the first time since late april.

klüpfel’s girl has two glaring problems that must be addressed.  i have had a suggestion for talassio that might nudge me to begin the rewrite sooner rather than later.  italy is coming.  and i am well overdue to take all my notes on the queen of lakes, get out the scissors, and spend a day looking at its basic structure.

this difficult spring has also taught me two valuable lessons about my process, which i wish i had learned a long time ago . . . well.  better late than never, always.

the first lesson is that my first drafts tend to come out in a distant third that lets me figure out the shape of the story, but is really more of a map for me, not the thing itself; what i used to take for a nearly-finished product is nothing more than a detailed framework, and i have to accept that those first weeks/months are never going to give me more than the structure and maybe the first glimmer of the voice.

the second lesson is perhaps an extension of the first, and it’s a lesson derived from getting pursuit published at last: the overall process is long, and i have to accept that as well.  i wrote pursuit over a year ago, in a rush of inspiration, and fiddled with it and worked on it for a few months.  i workshopped it in august/september.  i revised it, i started submitting it, and i revised it again in part due to some feedback i got from a couple of editors.  the story that interzone accepted is very different from the story i workshopped and vastly different from that first rough draft, and by the end i had worked through all my love for it; i care about it still but it’s a more distant, nostalgic affection now.  that whole arc, of writing and rewriting, submitting and rewriting again, of slowly feeling that first rush of infatuation ebbing away . . . that is the process, that is what i must anticipate with each story, that is what i cannot rush no matter how impatient i feel.

hard lessons in a hard spring.

sick today but:

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wanted to record for posterity that “the queen of lakes” is writ, and writ well.  i think my finished short story count for this past year or so has now exceeded the last eight years put together.  which is not that difficult, but still.  this has been a really, really hard year and i need all the encouragement i can get.

plus, as the fabulous margo lanagan pointed out yesterday, it is very nice to get something done, to remind yourself that you can finish something, especially when you’re knee-deep in a monster project like i am.

the other nice thing about my little queen is that she is clocking in at 6005 words.  i try very hard not to think about word counts because the story is the story, period, and it’s going to take however long it damn pleases to say itself and that’s that.  but i was very hopeful as this one began to shape up. to have this plus a story that’s less than 4k (“littoral drift,” now cooling her heels at a pretty biggish mag that i am trying not to think about because the chance is so slim but WHAT IF ahhhh) really opens up a whole new area of the market.

there is one small bit of the setup that i’m not sure if i should rearrange or not, so once i get my congested head back in some semblance of order (i’m contemplating my third nap of the day) i will catch up on critiques and then see if anyone on the workshop trips over the placement.  also i feel like there’s room for a little more detail . . . but again, i’d like to wait and see what confuses people first, before i start putting in more textures willy-nilly.